This blog covers the events before, during and after the death of our twin sons, their live siblings and the miscarriage that followed.
The hope is that it will offer comfort by allowing readers to see what it all involved and may also help to give an idea of what to expect in the aftermath of a loss.
Rather than posting piecemeal this blog starts with lots of scatter gun posts about the different aspects. To help provide some order to this chaos this page sets out a map of the different bits so that you can look at the part that may be relevant to you or of the most interest.
It also helps decipher some of the musical quote based titles.
- Before the Loss – Posts about the time before we lost our twin sons
- During the loss – What happened at hospital
- After the loss – What followed in the early stages after they died
- Pregnancy after loss – A time of mixed emotions and high anxiety
- Miscarriage – Posts about the mixed feelings following pregnancy loss
- Grief and memory – Exploring the endlessly changing facets of grief
- Baby Loss Awareness Week 2016 – Posts to mark the 2016 activities
- Baby Loss Awareness Week 2017
- Baby Loss Awareness Week 2018 – New posts for the latest awareness week
- Still Loved – Series of posts on the documentary and its troubled attempts to get wider interest from broadcasters
- Capture Your Grief 2016 – Posts on different themed prompts
- Happy Place – Series of blogs inspired by Derren Brown’s book Happy looking at different ways to handle the ravages of grief and find a new happiness following loss
- Guest Posts – Where Ana shows me how to really write
- Marking their lives and deaths – Remembering our sons in an imperfect way
- Fundraising – Posts about charity efforts
- #SandsAwarenessMonth – Posts to mark the month’s activities
- Counselling and Support – My experience of counselling
- Happy Posts – Rare posts on lighter topics
- Blogging – Writing about writing
- Best blogs of the Week – An occasional series of recommendations
- Maternity Care – Posts on improvement areas
- #EndStillbirths – Posts based on the findings of the Lancet Recall to Action on Stillbirth
- Music – Posts about music and what it means to me.
- Rants and considered arguments – Sometimes I need to rant about dumb and not so dumb stuff
- Parenting – Posts on parenting live children following loss
- Reviews – Occasional reviews of something that’s interested me
- Parental Bereavement – Reflections after my father died
Before the loss
“Wake up babies” – When it all went so horribly, terribly wrong
During the loss
The kindness of strangers – The support from the anonymous when I couldn’t speak to my friends and family
The day the whole world went away – The day our sons were stillborn
After the loss
In the best possible way, I hope I never see you again – The unsung hero of the day
The ballad of customer service – Dealing with difficult customers isn’t just about the angry ones. Special care is needed for the bereaved.
Compare the funeral director – Shopping for a funeral and two contrasting experiences
Going to your funeral – The day itself
“We fill the void with flowers” – A short rant on the value of flowers to the bereaved and the expectations of the giver
“I don’t mind the horrors that surround me” – Finding unlikely comfort from horror in horrible things
Returning to work – A Ronseal post
Back to the FeatureBack to the Feature – I write a letter to my past self
Imagine – A post on the unintentional hurt of using twins as a punchline.
Pregnancy following loss
It’s not all rainbows and unicorns – Where the medical profession needs to improve its level of care and compassion.
#AlwaysAsk – Rainbows and Unicorns Revisited – Mixed feelings about the campaign to encourage expectant parents to #AlwaysAsk when they feel something is not quite right
Miscarriage
Right where I am (6 years, 9 Months)
#StrutYourSongs – A post about fundraising for a different cause
The Last Day of Winter – A very raw, angry post in the immediate aftermath
Under the bridge – A tale of below the line comments on public announcements of miscarriage
Grief and memory
“Don’t Tell Me” – When grief poetry goes wrong
That’s what [grief] is to me – Trying to describe the indescribable
It’s different now – Normal service is resumed and a look through life through grief’s prism
Ashes and ghosts – Thinking about how to teach our children about the boys and grief.
Imagine if it were twins – On twins being a punchline
Something better – Challenging the philosophy and complications of understanding faith when you have none.
Trigger Warnings – The words, phrases and moments that take you back to the past in a heartbeat.
Boys don’t cry – Fatherhood and grief – The limits we apply to ourselves and others and how harmful that can be to ourselves and to those we love
This door is locked – The questions and possibilities I can’t consider.
Werewolves, whirlpools and the first rule of Grief Club – A follow up to Ana’s guest post
Dolls, snowflakes and badges: The third rule of Grief Club
Grief in the Workplace – A workplace blog showing the long term practical and emotional challenges of managing grief
#Finding the Words – A blog for work on how to start difficult but important conversations about loss
#BabyLossAwarenessWeek 2016
BabyLossAwarenessWeek – A semi-rant about how we need more than awareness, we need action
Awareness to Action – A post about how to do that and what progress has been made
Tommy’s – Richard from Shoebox of Memories writes about a father’s experience of baby loss
Stigma, silence and #misCOURAGE – A post illustrating why people keep silent and the people that silence them
Ashes to Ashes: The baby ashes scandal – A rage inducing post of callousness, cruelty and what happens when you buy into myths about health & safety without challenging them.
Baby Loss Awareness Week 2017
#Babylossawarenessweek 2017 #WaveofLight2017
#babylossawarenessweek – Baby loss and the high cost of awareness raising – A post on the importance of awareness raising and its emotional cost
You’ve got a (be)friend in me – A post on bereavement befriending for the Twins and Multiple Births Association (TAMBA)
Baby Loss Awareness 2017 – Why it’s more than just a week – What is meant by awareness raising and why it matters.
#babyloss awareness week – Exclusionary language and scary statistics – A response to some well intentioned but horrifcally misjudged bandwagon jumping and being told that using statistics about baby loss was potentially dangerous.
#babyloss awareness – More than just sad stories told sadly – Our stories are sad and we should be able to tell them without fear of shame or judgement but there is so much more to baby loss than that. It covers from the very beginning of pregnancy through to loss and beyond into our homes, workplaces and for the rest of our lives.
International Stillbirth Alliance Conference #ISACork2017 and lessons for Baby Loss Awareness Week – Summary of the recent conference of stillbirth specialists, bereaved parents and charities working together and an an overview of recent research findings with some very relevant to the issue of awareness raising.
Baby loss awareness week – Counting the days – A countdown post covering last year’s events and the progress made since then and what more is going on and how to be part of it.
The funny thing about baby loss – A post about Lou Conran’s stand up routine on her own loss
Baby Loss Awareness Week 2018
#BabyLossDebate – BLAW2018 – A post on the recent Parliamentary debate on Baby Loss Awareness Week
Butterfly Awards – Awareness Advocate – A post about being a nominated finalist for the award ceremony for the baby loss community
#BLAW2018 – Baby Loss Awareness Week in Review
Still Loved
Still Loved: Review and Reflection
Points of View: Still Loved Edition
Still Loved: Baffled by Contradictions
Baffled by Contradictions – Part 2
Stark depictions of infant mortality
Capture Your Grief 2016
#CaptureYourGrief 2016 – Collects all my individual posts responding to the daily prompts.
Happy Place
Finding a happy place – coping strategies
Happy place coping strategies: Mad, bad and sad
Happy place coping strategies: Building Blocks
Happy place coping strategies: Dealing with the Past
Happy place coping strategies: Regrets not to have
Happy place coping strategies: Dealing with anger
Guest Posts – Ana
The bewildering benefits of grief
Marking their lives and deaths
“You’re not mourning the lives they never had” – On the lives they did live and all that could have been
“We went to Brighton. It was shut” – Remembering the boys and the need to be kind and not worry about perfection
Cradle of forest – Planting a tree in memory of the boys
So this is Christmas and what have you done? – Looking to Christmas future through Christmas past
Oh… – When I try and think of the past, the future intrudes and becomes inseparable
Fundraising
5 for 5 Challenge – An introduction to the challenge to raise money for Sands / Tommy’s and my own contribution
#5for5Challenge: Update and thank you – Achievement unlocked!
#SandsAwarenessMonth
#SandsAwarenessMonth: What Sands means to me – The help that Sands has given to me and others and why Sands matters.
#SandsAwarenessMonth: What have we done – All the activity going on during the fundraising and awareness raising work of Sands and its supporters
The Wood within the Sands – Finding support from the Sands forum and solace amongst kindred spirits.
Counselling and support
I repent, I’m sorry, everything is falling apart – When it all gets a bit much, the value of a helpline
A guided tour of grief – A wander through the terrain of grief
Jab another pin in me – A trip to the past to understand why I struggle with unresolved grief
Simple question, rambling answer – A meandering musical post in response to the simple question ‘do you have a lot of fun?’
What happened after #TimeToTalk – The final counselling session and what it has meant to me
Coffee and revelations – A rambling coffee fuelled conversation reveals hidden insight
Happy posts
Thanksgiving – A break from the gloom to thank all those that help and those that tried
Happy, happy, joy, joy – Another rare happy post looking at all the positive things that happened during the week.
Happy blog for (un)happy people – A post Christmas / New Year happy post of music, games, fish and coffee
Blogging
When the words you use don’t work or fit – A post on the messy business of writing a personal blog
Shattered Memories – On being an unreliable narrator and trying to clarify my own memories
Should I start writing all this down? – Considering the consequences of personal blogging and all the dark places it takes us
We do what we do to fill the empty space – A follow up to ‘Should I…‘ on the value of personal blogging and the way pain can be channelled into a force for good.
Pinterest: Neat, Manageable Piles – A new home for the links, resources and articles.
Bloggers spotlight bloggers – Recommendations of the first five blogs that caught my attention. Inspired by @OneDizzyBee – Please let her know your own!
Reflections on a short time in blogging – A Ronseal post. Full of shout outs to all those that helped me along the way.
The act of creation saves us from despair – My 50th post and building on the above a chance to reflect on the blog, its purpose and how it came to be and change to what it is now
Raising a glass to The Glass House Girls – A tribute to the site and people that started the fire (links to my guest post for them)
#LiebsterAward: 11 Questions – My answers to @TigerMothGirl’s Liebster Award nomination and my own 11 questions for anyone that wants to answer them
Brilliance in Blogging: Thank you for your consideration – A rare attempt at self promotion
Best blogs of the week
This week’s best blogs – 1 April 2016
Best blogs of the week – 8 April
Best blogs of the week – 15 April 2016
Maternity Care
NHS Maternity Review – Our say – Summary of the points raised at the Sands facilitated session for bereaved parents.
Dads in maternity care – The roles and responsibilities of fathers to be and health care professionals
#MatExp – #MatExpHour Chat on Stillbirth
#endstillbirths
#endstillbirths: Summary of the summary – Lay person version summarising main points from The Lancet / International Stillbirth Alliance research series
#endstillbirths – links to the research papers
#endstillbirths: The around stillbirths is unspeakable – A short post on The Lancet’s campaign.
#endstillbirths: Taking on stigma and taboo – A post about dealing with the underlying issue impacting on helping the bereaved and preventing stillbirths
#endstillbirths: Counting mixed blessings – A post on the value of free at the point of use healthcare system in preventing stillbirths.
#endstillbirths: Reasons to be (more) cheerful – A post of wonders and hope.
#endstillbirths: Saving Babies’ Lives – A post about rare treats of good news and those that seek to spike it with glass through malice and self-interest
#endstillbirths – The missing pieces – Lots of good work on #endstillbirths but there is a lot that hasn’t been addressed
#endstillbirths: Westminster Hall Debate – June 2016 – An overview of an amazing display of will and compassion.
Music
Songs and memories – An embedded YouTube playlist collecting the songs that are referenced in the blogs and titles. Some covers, some originals and some live recordings for your listening pleasure. Now with added context and commentary about why they were picked and what they mean to me.
Everyone knows how this song will end – The catharsis and comfort of music to soothe, rage and grieve by.
The weeks gone bye – A musical post – Bouncing through YouTube discovering new favourite bands and inspirations behind the music I love.
Everything Must Go – Manic Street Preachers and 20 Years of fandom – My trip to the Royal Albert Hall wrapped in a personal history of fandom.
A musical interlude: Six, Six (Oh) Six – Travels through time and (my)space and finding lost inspiration
Sharks, bears and ducks – A summer of music, games and reading
A Christmas Playlist – Not the usual tracks
Rants and considered argument
Exploiting the very thing that cheapens me – a rant on the use of tragedies to win trinkets
Are click bait headlines over simplifying complex issues? Yes. – A more considered view of the complexities of social media as a tool for good or ill.
Paw Patrol – A ranty interlude – I reached saturation point and needed to vent.
Max and Ruby: A ranty interlude – Even worse than Paw Patrol
The illusion of action – A rant about petitions
The Civil War Within – A post on the past and its influence and denial
Empathy, empathy, they’ve all got it empathy – The value of empathy and why it isn’t a zero-sum game
In defence of childish things – The value of interests and being more than
(Not) The Stanford Prison Experiment – When a Monty Python sketch comes alive in the court room the results are not funny.
What the papers say – Misreporting and lazy journalism
Further thoughts on Bereaved Parents are not ratings fodder
On Primal Screams: The Rosie Hospital stillbirth documentary
Lessons Learned: The aftermath of the Rosie Hospital Incident
How not to manage shared burials
Parenting
I don’t want my children to grow up like me – A post of being a reluctant role model and work in progress
Honesty, humour and horror – Brilliant Dad feature – A post about all the aspects of fatherhood
All of my demons, they are kept within – Personal demons and parenting
A tricky question: Values or friends?
Reviews
Butterflies and tornadoes: Life is Strange – Discussion of the game’s plot and inspiration for This door is locked
Parental Bereavement
Why I hate October – Too many deaths, too many anniversaries
[This is not] A Eulogy – A post collecting fragments of memories of my father
While some decent music plays – A tale of a funeral home and an unfortunate Halloween
Shoebox of Memories 