The term #FindingYourWay is incredibly apt. Each loss is different and the grief for that loss will be different. What may have worked to help with the worst of one may not work with others. I know from experience that the grief of losing babies through stillbirth and miscarriage is very different. One did not prepare me for the other and there is no hierarchy.
I lost my twins sons in 2011 and following three successful pregnancies my wife has had three miscarriages. At the time in an attempt to reassure us we were told that having lost two babies to stillbirth we should know what to expect. This wasn’t the case.
We had been down this road before but in a way we haven’t. This one is new but thanks to the years treading the path and seeing the maps from others we had an idea of how this maps out.
My maps for finding my way through grief have taken a lot of time to create. They have also taken reflection and recognition of what those areas are and understanding that they are areas rather than stops on a train line with predictable stops through anger, despair, guilt towards the mythical final stop of ‘Getting Over It’.
There are areas I may spend more time in others, some I may choose to spend time in, others I stumble into, some I may be an occasional visitor, and others where I won’t know I’m in until someone points it out to me.
That’s one of the most important things to remember about #FindingYourWay, as the name implies finding your way involves you exploring ways to live with the grief so you can carry on with your life without the babies you wanted so much.
It helped to talk to others who have gone through similar (never the same) experiences so I could learn from their maps and the potential hidden dangers of taking refuge and comfort from the more extreme locations.
None of this is done alone, I find my way through a changing landscape where support will also change with time as the distance from loss increases and sympathy wanes. As the landscape shifts so must my approach to navigate it.
Part of my way is to offer help to those that have lost babies by offering support and pointing the way to guidance, information and communities of kindred spirits to help them and others understand different ways to find theirs.
There are so many forms of support out there. If you are struggling mapping your way through this I am happy to offer my help.