1. WAVE OF LIGHT | October 15th Wave of Light is a very significant day of remembrance and awareness of our community calendar. At 7pm you are invited to light a candle to honour and remember all of the babies and children who have died. If everyone does this, there will be a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Share your candles and children with the world.

I didn’t get to light my candle at 7pm. This is both unimportant and of grave consequence.

Part of what kicked me into a spiral of long deferred grief was the Wave of Light the year before. Our youngest daughter was just a few weeks old and bedtime for her siblings had slipped into an abstract concept in the resulting chaos.

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I wanted, I needed to light a candle for the boys at 7pm. I wanted to join the Wave of Light and have their lights become part of something bigger. Trying to do this with the incessant demands for milk, food, toys, a red cup, no – not that red cup, the other one became too much and something in my head broke. The lock on the door was broken and had fallen to the floor with a clang that reverberated through me and left me dizzy and panicked.

This year was not as melodramatic but still, I did not manage to light the candle at 7pm. I pleaded, I tried to explain to uncomprehending marauding cubs how important this moment was for me, to remember their brothers but it was lost in a cackling sprint around the bedroom diving into the tent and pulling the bedding off the bed for an impromptu sleep over.

Eventually I realised the futility of the exercise and just sat there waiting for them to burn out. They didn’t.

After they had calmed sufficiently to see that no, Papa wasn’t happy with their behaviour they succumbed to bed and story time and I could slink downstairs to set up the miniature shrine of photo, candles and soft toys to mark the Wave of Light.

Candles lit, photos took I got ready to upload. I then stared at the photos occasionally checking the notifications popping up on my phone. I looked at the photo, trying to take in all the little details. Their little outfits, the hand holding, their skin cleaned of the blood that marked them when we first met them.

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This is how I marked the Wave of Light. Sitting in candle light and the glow of a screen.

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