SURRENDER + EMBRACE | Completely surrendering myself to grief on multiple occasions has allowed me to release my emotions. The hurt, the anger, the unfairness. I was always afraid to giving in to how I was feeling. Like I had to hold it together for my family or if I did break down, I would not be able to bring myself back together. But I always did and afterwards I felt lighter. I was able to flow with grief rather than fight with it. I have screamed into pillows, cried myself to sleep and I am amazed at how much tension I was able to release. Surrendering to whatever it is you are feeling is one of the most powerful experiences of being present and in the moment. To sit and allow yourself to feel sadness is very profound. How do you feel about surrendering to grief? Have you done it before or are you more the type that just keeps carrying it all inside? Does the idea of falling apart frighten you? Share your thoughts.

My grief does scare me at times. I liken it to a beast  or a hurricane or whirlpool. All of these fun metaphors carry a threat of terrible violence or destruction turned inside or out.

“Your strength and virtue / Now coming to an end / This purgatory / This constant battle / Pack your bags and wave goodbye to trouble”

I kept it all inside for a long time. I thought I was coping but I was deluding myself. I have been rendered a sobbing, howling mess by a song hitting just the right note at just the wrong time.

“To be vulnerable / Is needed most of all / If you truly intend to / Fall apart”

Knowing that I have these triggers can be a mixed blessing and sometimes I pull them on purpose to remind myself of that powerful all-consuming feeling where I abandon endless analysis and dissection of why I feel like I do and just feel it instead.

This is part of the reason I shun alcohol. Not for any puritanical reasons but because I know that the line between happy drunk and gloom bunny is a fine one. Getting hammered only intensifies the worst aspects of grief and has the added bonus of a horrific hangover the day after. Music is a much safer release valve. There can be comfort in feeling the sadness of a song and being carried by it.