You ask me how I feel

Following from my post on the majesty of River, it seemed like a good prompt to talk about my own new adventures in counselling.

It’s only just started but it’s a promising start.  There’s structure and a plan. It’s not just a talking shop. I’ve rehearsed the story long enough and have a now ingrained ability to summarise into neat key points so we can get straight to the useful part.

The next sessions will look at how I can build resilience, calm my temper and place myself in the eye of the storm rather than being in its path.

One of the first things to consider is why am I there and what do I want to get out of it?

As you may have seen from earlier posts recently lots of things happening all at once performed some crazy magic that summoned my long dormant grief in a way I hadn’t expected and wasn’t prepared for.

One of the things that counselling is good for is having someone listen to that well rehearsed story. The one told so many times that I don’t really pick up on the way that I tell it, the language I use and the words not said.

One of the striking moments was being asked whether I thought anything could have changed the outcome.

There’s clearly a discrepancy between my blithe acceptance of their deaths being the result of falling on the wrong side of probability and my sudden zeal to challenge the lack of professionalism, compassion and safety in maternity services.

What changed? Some of it comes from the publicity and research emerging from Baby Loss Awareness month. The stories and reports of avoidable deaths caused by failure to follow guidelines and listen to concerns.

The rest from sitting in a room for 3 hours listening to people trying to deal with their grief and find the energy needed to find the truth about what happened to them in the face of silence and blame shifting.

I hadn’t really clocked the events of Morecombe Bay until I saw the publicity for Joshua’s Story (one for the Christmas list) and heard passing mention of the Kirkup Report at the maternity review event.

Now my certainty over what happened has crumbled and I find myself revisiting the events leading up to their death for a clue of what might have happened or what we could have done differently, what the medics could have done differently.

My previous certainty was my defence against the horrible possibility that they could have been saved.

When asked the classic gambit of “how does that make you feel” (ranking alongside “tell me about your mother”) I faltered.

I have no idea.

My Random Musings

14 Comments Add yours

  1. randommusings29 says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I really hope these sessions help you come to terms with it.
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes


  2. Mrs Tubbs says:

    I hope the counselling helps you move forward, even though it must feel like the worst thing right now. I’m even less convinced by the idea of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger when reading this …

    I’m sending you small, good thoughts and happy moments … It doesn’t seem much, but I hope knowing small portions of the universe are thinking of you and yours helps

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ShoeboxofM says:

      Thank you. It did help even if it hurt and it’s still a work in progress.


  3. I’m glad to read that you are trying counselling and I hope it enables you to explore your feelings and process them. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling and for the record I hate the question “how does that make you feel?” I’m never sure how you should answer it but I guess truthfully is a start but sometimes that can be too hard #stayclassy

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lady Nym says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t the full story of what happened or when but I don’t think it’s uncommon to not know how you feel. I hope you can make some sort of sense of it. xx


    Liked by 1 person

    1. ShoeboxofM says:

      Thank you.

      My twin sons were stillborn nearly 5 years ago. This has been building for years as I’ve deferred and delayed until FOOM it hit like a wall after the birth of our third rainbow child.


  5. Ugh yes, that question is almost like when I answer the question “how are you” as a greeting rather than giving a real answer. I’ve been in therapy before and I hated that question. I think you have to give it a bit of time before counselling actually starts working, it’s a balance between you accepting the counselling and the counsellor really understanding you. I am giving you good thoughts and vibes! Thanks so much for sharing with #StayClassy!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I really hope the counselling is helping you to move forward in your life. But you will never forget. xx

    thanks for linking up with #stayclassy

    Liked by 1 person

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